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“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock
tags: comedy, everyday-life, funny, humor, observational-comedy
9439 likes
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“Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.”
― Chris Rock
1302 likes
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“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullsh*t. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
― Chris Rock
tags: humor
537 likes
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“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
― Chris Rock
454 likes
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“You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.
Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something ... sh*t, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’
And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your f*cking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’
So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.”
― Chris Rock
tags: bullets, gun-control, humor
383 likes
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“Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?”
― Chris Rock
tags: black, comedy, race, racism, society
298 likes
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“I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. ”
― Chris Rock
tags: humor
260 likes
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“We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to sh*t. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f*cking lactose intolerance?!”
― Chris Rock
tags: allergies, hunger, plenty, wealth
224 likes
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“If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.”
― Chris Rock
167 likes
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“Men are as faithful as their options.”
― Chris Rock
tags: fidelity, men
149 likes
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“If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.”
― Chris Rock
99 likes
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“Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.”
― Chris Rock
tags: money, options, wealth
99 likes
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“You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense”
― Chris Rock
tags: humor, women
98 likes
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“Women need food, water, and compliments
That's right.
And an occasional pair of shoes.”
― Chris Rock
tags: shoes, women
97 likes
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“I do what I can do when I can do it.”
― Chris Rock
tags: yesiree-bill
93 likes
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“I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.”
― Chris Rock
tags: humor-inspirational
87 likes
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“Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.”
― Chris Rock
tags: women
66 likes
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“Men lie the most,
women tell the biggest lies.”
― Chris Rock
tags: lie, lies, men, women
52 likes
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“You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.”
― Chris Rock
43 likes
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“You can only offend me if you mean something to me.”
― Chris Rock
33 likes
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“Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.”
― Chris Rock
tags: humor
30 likes
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“Do you know?
What the f*ck do women want?
l know what you want: everything.”
― Chris Rock
tags: chris-rock, women
26 likes
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“When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.”
― Chris Rock
25 likes
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“If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.”
― Chris Rock
tags: age, women
23 likes
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“Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
― Chris Rock
20 likes
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“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.”
― Chris Rock
19 likes
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“You don't pay taxes-they take taxes.”
― Chris Rock
tags: taxes
18 likes
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“When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative.”
― Chris Rock
tags: thesinglefeather
17 likes
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“Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.”
― Chris Rock
16 likes
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“بعضهم يقول إن الحياة قصيرة، وأنك قد تموت في حادث سيارة في أي لحظة، فعليك أن تعيش كل يوم كأنه آخر أيامك. هذا هراء. الحيـاة طويلة. ومن المحتمل جداً أنك لا تموت في حادث سيارة، وعندها عليك أن تعيش مع نتائج خياراتك لمدة خمسين عاماً”
― Chris Rock
tags: comedy, humor
13 likes
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